alone

my feelings, as of this moment.

boredom

i am so bored,
but only because i've got so much to do.
so much homework: papers to write, assignmets overdue, tests to study for, classes to finish up. it's all killing me.

boredom, i am realizing, is a terrible demon to have.
it creates the longing to be somewhere else;
somewhere more adventures and different.

i am indeed happy with my life, no matter how much i complain to you about it. i wish i had the motivation to be a better person; a person with virtues like yourself. i long to be someone that catches the eye of those around. i want to be so on Fire with passion, that nothing else matters but Christ.

boredom belongs under my feet, far away from my soul. and i'm going to put it there.

peace & love,
-b

silence

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46
"We cannot find God in noise or agitation. Nature: trees, flowers, and grass grow in silence. The stars, the moon, and the sun move in silence."
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta
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Silence is a strange thing to me. Why is it so difficult for us to sit in silence. Even when I'm by myself, in my room or my car, I feel the need to either play music, have TV on in the background, listen to a podcast, or anything that would fill the void of awkward silence. This has got to change, however. Silence, I am discovering, is something very special and beautiful. It provides me with the opportunity to listen to the Father, without distraction. It gives the opportunity to be still, and be alone, stripped down to one's core.

It will be hard at first, I am sure, to be alone and still. I try to fill my life with distractions in order to ignore the unhappiness and agony. Ignoring it is not helping, and proves to be a temporary fix. It all caught up to me.

I long to know God more. And I'm willing to be silent to accomplish this.

peace & love,
-b

mystery

what new mystery is this?

the Immeasurable One will never let me down,
even after I betray Him with a simple kiss.

and I thought I knew everything...

p & l,
-b

far away

i just really miss the place where i used to be.
i miss the person i was, the God i knew.
i miss being with you, always with a smile on my face.

i miss this too:


it's all gone now, and we've got all these great memories.
i know i'm supposed to move on and be thankful for the times God is giving us now.


but sometimes i just can't help wishing to be far away.

peace and love,
-b

purpose

i think it's time to start living my life with purpose.
this means cutting out all the junk that gets in the way.



i'm ready to start living now,
ready to find my purpose.

[thanks A.B. for helping me realize who i am. you are a true friend.
thank you C.M. for understanding and walking with me through this.
thanks to all my friends who have continued to love me at my darkest.
you guys mean the world to me.]

love

i'm sure if You wanted to stop Love,
You could just untie Your end, and let it go.
But my God, You don't. You don't.

I think I love You for that.

scared

well, it looks as if
in the end, when we're all by ourselves
striped down to our core,
just all alone,
we are honestly scared of the silence and what it means.

the truth is i don't know who to be to what to do when no one is around.
i'm just scared of who i am.
scared of my self.

Black Fridays

Ah, the title says it all. Not only is today Black Friday, but it's the day after Thanksgiving, which makes it a really black friday.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. Being able to spend time with my family is something I cannot explain with words. It is wonderful to say the least. This Thanksgiving was a little different, being spent at my Aunt & Uncle's new house out in Wavery, TN. There were also a few people missing: my cousin Jarred who was finishing a school project, my cousin Dusty who is in the Marines, and my sister who is spending time with her lovely boyfriend's family. The first two I was a little upset about, but I'm happy for my sister, and I'm glad she's able to be with her soon-to-be fiance. (He's wonderful!)

Another thing that was different, but will now be tradition, was what we did after dinner. My family spent a good 2 hours taking turns talking about what we are thankful for. Now being the smart blogger that I am, I already had a list (see below post). However, this time around was way more in depth and emotional. I have to admit, I've never felt so happy, but sad, at the same time. I won't go into details, but my cousin Justin is having A LOT of health problems, so much that it would be hard for anyone not close to him to understand. It's been extremely hard on our family, and that was apparent in the speeches. But other than that, we got to get out a lot of "thank you's" to each other that we've held in for so many years. I now feel closer to my family, and this feels great.

My family believes that God is good, and we are thankful for His continued watch over us.

Well, of course this good day has to end. That's why today is called 'Black Friday.' Not only do we have to make our seperate ways, and end these good times with a 'goodbye' and 'see you at Christmas,' today has to be one of the most annoying days to me. For some reason, this day REALLY bugs me. And it's not entirely based on the fact that this nation is so materialistic and it bothers me, and not really due to me working three years in a row on this day, but probably a combination of all these things plus some.

I did have to go into work at the butt-crack of dawn, but I got off earlier than expected, leaving me time to hang out with the fam. However, being the Americans they are, they went shopping which means I went too. And I sure wish I didn't.

Don't get me wrong, the sales are great and all. But people really bug me sometimes, especially when fighting over the last DVD player, or cutting in front of you, just to get out of the door 3 seconds before you.
Oh, and someone hit my car today in the parking lot, AND DROVE OFF. I was in it too!!! God, I tried chasing those bitches down, but they ran. It was quite an adventure.

Well, this day is slowly ending, and I'm glad to be living the life that I am.

Thanks friend, for your continued hope in me. Please keep Justin in your prayers and Peace in your heart,

peace & love,
b

thankfullness

1 Chronicles 16:34
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
his love endures forever.

For once in my life, I am truely thankful this Thanksgiving.

So, I've decided to make a list, in order that I may come back to this in years to come, and thank God for what He's done.
(not in order of importance)

-I'm thankful for my family. We've been through hell and back, and we're stronger than ever. I love them, but they loved me first. They even loved me at my darkest.

-I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to Belmont. I never thought I would be able to afford it, but God has blessed my life.

- I'm thankful for the small things, such as LOST, my MacBook, HbH, Chris McClarney worship, veggies, sudoku, The Album Leaf on Friday nights, and sleep.

The following list is sepcific people. I won't put names. But you know who you are.

- You are my best friend, and I am yours. Thank you for being the friend I can never be. Thanks for loving me and always being there for me. My love a million times over.

- You have changed my life, even though this past year has been a difficult one. Thanks for standing strong for what you believed in, and I'm sorry if no one can see this. I know it must be hard for you right now, but you continue to look forward and thank the One who cares for you and your family. And this is what you've taught me. Never give up.

- Oh the memories we've made. From cliff jumping to hugging in my field on one of the worst nights ever, you are one of the coolest girls I know! I'll never forget getting down to Girl Talk with you, or the first time we met, sitting under the stars on the trampoline. From "Oh How He Loves Us So" to "bop" we've been through a lot, and I'm thankful for all those times. Thanks for teaching me how to be myself.

- All I can say is I am so excited about where we've been, and I'm even more excited to where we're going. We're going to tear apart Europe this summer. Thanks for being there and being fun. I'm praying for you always. Love.

- Oh buckwheat. You are fun. Thanks for that. Thanks for lifting my spirit when I'm down, and being real with me. Cheers!


God is good. Always.

just me

i'm a very private person, and this blog will probably be one of the hardest things i do this year. after all, this is the 'truth' blog, and i plan on being transparent.

i struggle greatly with letting people into my personal life.
i'd rather hear about you.
i'm a really confused person. i have no idea who i am. in fact, i often depend on other people telling me who i am because i haven't the slightest idea. this can be bad.

ughhhhh. i get so frustrated at times!

other news,

God's grace and love is sufficient. wow! He is continuing to surprise me with His presence. at the most random times, too.

well, that's all for now. peace and love.
-b

Philippians 4: 4-8

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
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this gets me everytime i read it.

-b

eastern glow

some days make me feel like i'm completly misunderstood. well, to be honest, most of the time i feel this way.
sometimes i don't mind, but sometimes it gets to me.

the other night, i had the best time with you. i was happy with you.
but i felt completly misunderstood.
you have no idea who i am.

maybe this is what my life is about. i mean, i've never really had someone understand me 100%.
i don't know why its bothering me so much.

i've just never wanted anyone to know me as badly as i want you to.

the truth is, you make me smile. and laugh. and get all bubbily inside.
and i've felt really close to you, like i can really trust you.
but you don't even know me.
and that is sad.

nonetheless, thanks for one of the best nights of my life.
p & l,
-b
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One by one
We force ourselves
Turn it on
It comes in waves

Try to find
Maybe this time
Don't turn your head
it's easy to forget how we were

Once inside
We've made it here
We struggle with the lights
They never go away

What have we learned
It's the same old things
That drive us here
And never go away
We are changed

Through the tides
Make your way
You'll find the time
A comfort inside

-the album leaf

beginning

please don't expect much from me, but know that everything i say i really mean it.




peace and love, my friend.
-b