I am headed to the world of wordpress to start my new blog with the new me. I'm sure I'll revisit this blog, and fill in the blanks of what I've gained and learned.
Here is the new site- enjoy!
http://1000halfloves.wordpress.com/
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
the better me
I will be starting a new blog in the next few days, all from a somewhat seemingly passing thought I had this morning that, well, is not passing as quickly as these thoughts normally do. Conversations this past weekend have opened my eyes quite a bit. First of all, boredom pisses the hell outta me. I realized this when noting how agitated I got when a friend complained about boredom. My thoughts are "if you are bored, FIND SOMETHING TO DO!" This could be, but not limited to, developing a worldview, studying the stars, reading a bestseller book, learning how to play piano, deep clean your house, continued.... Secondly, after a conversation with a good friend, I have finally come to peace about the ending of a relationship with Christopher. Realizing mistakes, closing the emotional "black-hole" that once consumed me, and moving on to a better me is all it will take. You learn from mistakes in order to make a better decision the next time. Interestingly enough, he is NOT what I want or need anymore, and this just took a short month to realize, praise the Lord!
These events both moved me into a process of motivation. What I mean is this- I often complain about not having enough motivation to do the things I want to do, to be the person I want to be. Well, I now understand that gaining the momentum is a process. So, here goes: Begin Process.
Easy enough, right? Well, First and foremost, I am creating a new blog (when I get the time in the next few days) that will share this process with friends, family, and serve as a pick-me-up when I need to look back on where I've come. Next step, CREATE GOALS. I failed, for the longest time, to realize how important this step is. I adore the idea of a better me, but what about the better me is different than the me that is now? I need a finish, an end to run to. More importantly, I need to know what is important to me, and what I'd like to accomplish.
Here is the beginning of my list that will be soon posted on the new site. It'll take some developing and prioritizing, but here's the blueprint.
The Better B
1. Focus on school. Know what classes are important to you, but put in the equal effort for those that are not. Make the grades and gain the rewards.
2. Develop the physical body. Move to more running (at least 3 times weekly) and longer distances (I can only run about 1 mile right now) to increase stamina and decrease Asama. Be able to fit into Hannah's bridesmaid dress by the wedding (2 dress sizes by May 2nd) and lose 20 pounds by the summer.
3. Start back on your passion of reading. Find time. I'll be using a couple of lists of "100 best books to read" to compile by own favorite reading list. This will be a special section on the new site.
4. Write everyday. The end. (Can be in private journal, new blog, letters, etc.)
5. Spend more time in the Word. More specifically, set apart a scheduled time to spend in the Word. Maybe it's mornings, maybe it's evenings (I haven't done much thinking on it).
6. Studying more in depth your passion for personality matrices, including Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. Focus this attention to more in depth understanding and memorization.
I can't think of anymore at the moment, and my cold-infected head feels like it's swelling. Nonetheless, let the momentum begin! I will post the new website link real soon.
Peace and love,
-b
These events both moved me into a process of motivation. What I mean is this- I often complain about not having enough motivation to do the things I want to do, to be the person I want to be. Well, I now understand that gaining the momentum is a process. So, here goes: Begin Process.
Easy enough, right? Well, First and foremost, I am creating a new blog (when I get the time in the next few days) that will share this process with friends, family, and serve as a pick-me-up when I need to look back on where I've come. Next step, CREATE GOALS. I failed, for the longest time, to realize how important this step is. I adore the idea of a better me, but what about the better me is different than the me that is now? I need a finish, an end to run to. More importantly, I need to know what is important to me, and what I'd like to accomplish.
Here is the beginning of my list that will be soon posted on the new site. It'll take some developing and prioritizing, but here's the blueprint.
The Better B
1. Focus on school. Know what classes are important to you, but put in the equal effort for those that are not. Make the grades and gain the rewards.
2. Develop the physical body. Move to more running (at least 3 times weekly) and longer distances (I can only run about 1 mile right now) to increase stamina and decrease Asama. Be able to fit into Hannah's bridesmaid dress by the wedding (2 dress sizes by May 2nd) and lose 20 pounds by the summer.
3. Start back on your passion of reading. Find time. I'll be using a couple of lists of "100 best books to read" to compile by own favorite reading list. This will be a special section on the new site.
4. Write everyday. The end. (Can be in private journal, new blog, letters, etc.)
5. Spend more time in the Word. More specifically, set apart a scheduled time to spend in the Word. Maybe it's mornings, maybe it's evenings (I haven't done much thinking on it).
6. Studying more in depth your passion for personality matrices, including Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. Focus this attention to more in depth understanding and memorization.
I can't think of anymore at the moment, and my cold-infected head feels like it's swelling. Nonetheless, let the momentum begin! I will post the new website link real soon.
Peace and love,
-b
Monday, March 16, 2009
it took whiskey to ignore you.
i've had my love; i've has my doubts.
they are all crushing under your words.
is this the way i'm supposed to feel?
i am now focusing my energy to painting you out of every picture i dreamt. make this easier and don't contact me again please.
this is why you're alone.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
God's unfailing love
Psalm 143:8
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You.
(the drive from Raleigh to Nashville)
The Lord is teaching me how to trust Him. And it's the most painful but stretching thing I've ever felt. It's SO good. I've been reading a lot of Thomas Merton, specifically his book, No Man Is An Island. It's strange how the Father works in our lives. Interestingly enough, as I wade through this book, each chapter I am on COMPLETELY applies to my life and my walk with the Lord. As I came onto this weekend, I got to the Word of the Cross chapter, aka Suffering. I have been longing for some time now to deepen my love for Christ and to feel His presence in my everyday walk as He is. I began reading on suffering and came to this:
"To believe in suffering is pride: but to suffer, believing in God, is humility. For pride may tell us that we are strong enough to suffer, that suffering is for for us because we are good. Humility tells us that suffering is an evil which we must always expect to find in our lives because of the evil that is within ourselves. But faith also knows that the mercy of God is given to those who seek Him in suffering, and that by His grace we can overcome evil with good. Suffering, then, becomes good by accident, by the good that enables us to receive more abundantly from the mercy of God. It does not make us good by itself, but it enables us to make ourselves better than we are. Thus, what we consecrate to God in suffering is not our suffering but our selves."
HOLY CRAP! I am speechless. I have grown the past 48 hours more than I have in months, all thanks to the grace of God! My own darkness and failures shoved me into suffering, but His mercy has been lavished upon me! He longs for me (and you, and everyone) to learn how to GIVE those meaningless things to Him! He wants us to take refuge in Him! His arms are so safe and loving, and we constantly fail to realize it. How pitiful and dumb we are, but He has called us to be so much more!! Praise be to Him!
I woke up this morning and was once again reminded of Psalm 143:8. I love this verse because it speaks so much into my life right now. I long to be reminded of His unfailing love. It's always been there. But when I am reminded of it, I am reminded of who I am and why I have been made and what I am called to do.
It may sound like I am just rambling on and on. Truth is, my mind is so cluttered from this weekend's events that I've forgotten how to construct a sentence, or at least it feels that way.
A life filled with continual prayer. That's all that I long for at the moment. I have God, the only thing I need, and just an open communication with Him is what I truly desire for myself, and for you as well.
Grace and Peace,
-b
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You.
(the drive from Raleigh to Nashville)
The Lord is teaching me how to trust Him. And it's the most painful but stretching thing I've ever felt. It's SO good. I've been reading a lot of Thomas Merton, specifically his book, No Man Is An Island. It's strange how the Father works in our lives. Interestingly enough, as I wade through this book, each chapter I am on COMPLETELY applies to my life and my walk with the Lord. As I came onto this weekend, I got to the Word of the Cross chapter, aka Suffering. I have been longing for some time now to deepen my love for Christ and to feel His presence in my everyday walk as He is. I began reading on suffering and came to this:
"To believe in suffering is pride: but to suffer, believing in God, is humility. For pride may tell us that we are strong enough to suffer, that suffering is for for us because we are good. Humility tells us that suffering is an evil which we must always expect to find in our lives because of the evil that is within ourselves. But faith also knows that the mercy of God is given to those who seek Him in suffering, and that by His grace we can overcome evil with good. Suffering, then, becomes good by accident, by the good that enables us to receive more abundantly from the mercy of God. It does not make us good by itself, but it enables us to make ourselves better than we are. Thus, what we consecrate to God in suffering is not our suffering but our selves."
HOLY CRAP! I am speechless. I have grown the past 48 hours more than I have in months, all thanks to the grace of God! My own darkness and failures shoved me into suffering, but His mercy has been lavished upon me! He longs for me (and you, and everyone) to learn how to GIVE those meaningless things to Him! He wants us to take refuge in Him! His arms are so safe and loving, and we constantly fail to realize it. How pitiful and dumb we are, but He has called us to be so much more!! Praise be to Him!
I woke up this morning and was once again reminded of Psalm 143:8. I love this verse because it speaks so much into my life right now. I long to be reminded of His unfailing love. It's always been there. But when I am reminded of it, I am reminded of who I am and why I have been made and what I am called to do.
It may sound like I am just rambling on and on. Truth is, my mind is so cluttered from this weekend's events that I've forgotten how to construct a sentence, or at least it feels that way.
A life filled with continual prayer. That's all that I long for at the moment. I have God, the only thing I need, and just an open communication with Him is what I truly desire for myself, and for you as well.
Grace and Peace,
-b
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A year, and then some
Well, I just realized it's been just past a year since I created this blog, so I went back and read my old posts.
SO INTERESTING! how God brings us through things, some sucky things, and all of it is for a purpose.
A purpose that is more beautiful and lovely than we could ever expect.
It all seems so peaceful to me now. Like, for once in my life, I am able to accept that bad things may happen to me, but I am also more than joyful for them. You can't enjoy the sweet without the sour.
Anyways, update:
I am in love with the most amazing man of God. He's my best friend, and my heart is overflowing with thankfulness and gratitude. God is so faithful to the desires of my heart. I am very blessed.
I will write more, very soon. I will tell of lovely tales of being in love and having love. I am excited of what my life has to offer me, but more importantly, those around me. I want those around me to know, so I will write, k?
As for now, I will slip into sleep. I am praying for dreams with my Savior and my beloved, dreams of what the future holds for us.
peace and love, neverending,
-b
SO INTERESTING! how God brings us through things, some sucky things, and all of it is for a purpose.
A purpose that is more beautiful and lovely than we could ever expect.
It all seems so peaceful to me now. Like, for once in my life, I am able to accept that bad things may happen to me, but I am also more than joyful for them. You can't enjoy the sweet without the sour.
Anyways, update:
I am in love with the most amazing man of God. He's my best friend, and my heart is overflowing with thankfulness and gratitude. God is so faithful to the desires of my heart. I am very blessed.
I will write more, very soon. I will tell of lovely tales of being in love and having love. I am excited of what my life has to offer me, but more importantly, those around me. I want those around me to know, so I will write, k?
As for now, I will slip into sleep. I am praying for dreams with my Savior and my beloved, dreams of what the future holds for us.
peace and love, neverending,
-b
Monday, August 25, 2008
As of Now
Wow. Much has changed in my life since I last posted. As most of you readers know, I spent some time this summer traveling with friends and also went up to Michigan to see my dad. This summer was a trying time for me; I can say now that I've walked away from a time in my life in which I was honestly angry at G-d. I have learned, just recently in fact, that He has nothing to do with my falling, but in truth is the only One who has ever been there to pick me back up. And boy did I fall this summer.
The summer always has much to provide to me. There is free time away from school, which gives me money and also more time to 'hang out' and goof around with friends. It also gives me a lot of time to think because some of my closest friends have been traveling away from my own, and I also seem to have little to no responsibility. This lack of debt gives me, in a sense, more freedom to do what I feel like I am called to do (such as travel) but it also gives my flesh more time to do what I know is not the right thing. I spent most of the summer with some friends, but one in particular, who was not the best influence on me. They encouraged me to be a free-thinker, but with that comes much precaution. I was in a sense encouraged not to be a free-thinker, but to abandon everything I once believed and question it all immensely. Not that questioning has ever been wrong, for I believe it is in questioning that G-d shows the Truth, but it was the carelessly abandoning everything I have been through (which is everything He has given me the grace to be brought through). It was in purposely forgetting all that He has done for me that hurt the most.
I was so hurt and relayed this onto the Father, that in turn made me resent and push all that I love away. I do not doubt that it all happened for a reason, in fact, I have see several obvious things that I can take away from this season. I now see no value and no importance in anything but what He has for me. I can say with honest conviction that I am no longer moved by the approval of men or women, but brought to a place of contentment for the life I have been given. This is something so new and fresh to me that I don't know much about dealing with it. I moved away from my community and security in East Nashville, away from the people that helped me get through all my drug addictions and depression. I foresaw that moving would be a really difficult thing for me; that I wouldn't be able to find friends, that I would be without support and that safe reassurance. I no longer care for those things. They are values of this world! not of the Kingdom of G-d. I am not admitting that I don't need community or a holy friendship (these both are so valuable in our walk with Christ), I am only saying that G-d is my only rock in which I stand. He is the only thing I need; the only thing I truly want and love.
There's that for a quick update! I am off to take a lovely nap now; first day of classes in a new school has brought me nothing but exhaustion.
Peace and Love,
-b
The summer always has much to provide to me. There is free time away from school, which gives me money and also more time to 'hang out' and goof around with friends. It also gives me a lot of time to think because some of my closest friends have been traveling away from my own, and I also seem to have little to no responsibility. This lack of debt gives me, in a sense, more freedom to do what I feel like I am called to do (such as travel) but it also gives my flesh more time to do what I know is not the right thing. I spent most of the summer with some friends, but one in particular, who was not the best influence on me. They encouraged me to be a free-thinker, but with that comes much precaution. I was in a sense encouraged not to be a free-thinker, but to abandon everything I once believed and question it all immensely. Not that questioning has ever been wrong, for I believe it is in questioning that G-d shows the Truth, but it was the carelessly abandoning everything I have been through (which is everything He has given me the grace to be brought through). It was in purposely forgetting all that He has done for me that hurt the most.
I was so hurt and relayed this onto the Father, that in turn made me resent and push all that I love away. I do not doubt that it all happened for a reason, in fact, I have see several obvious things that I can take away from this season. I now see no value and no importance in anything but what He has for me. I can say with honest conviction that I am no longer moved by the approval of men or women, but brought to a place of contentment for the life I have been given. This is something so new and fresh to me that I don't know much about dealing with it. I moved away from my community and security in East Nashville, away from the people that helped me get through all my drug addictions and depression. I foresaw that moving would be a really difficult thing for me; that I wouldn't be able to find friends, that I would be without support and that safe reassurance. I no longer care for those things. They are values of this world! not of the Kingdom of G-d. I am not admitting that I don't need community or a holy friendship (these both are so valuable in our walk with Christ), I am only saying that G-d is my only rock in which I stand. He is the only thing I need; the only thing I truly want and love.
There's that for a quick update! I am off to take a lovely nap now; first day of classes in a new school has brought me nothing but exhaustion.
Peace and Love,
-b
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Selfish
What selfish thought to feel entitled to be appreciated! Who am I? Nothing more but an extension of you yourself! And who are you? Someone I thought I loved! Yes, it is true that I 'love' you, but what does that mean? 'love' is just a word that we mere humans have placed on a feeling, but this word could never express the feelings attached. Truth is- these words mean NOTHING- only a pitiful excuse to try and cover up my inability to truly love you. The love I have for you is so sick and conditional. I only love you because you are easy to love. You fulfill my desire to belong and not be alone. The love I have for you seems like a selfish ambition compared to the True Love that is within me - the Love that I seem to contain only by the Grace of G-d. You have felt this Love as well- but also have difficulty expressing it. The True Love is so different than what we are used to - so backwards. It means Loving a stranger on the street with the same intensity as a lover in the bed. So unconditional and beautiful is the Father's Love for us! And that we may contain this Love! We may never be able to harness and do Good. But thank the Lord for this Hope!
I am at a loss for words..
I am at a loss for words..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)