As of Now

Wow. Much has changed in my life since I last posted. As most of you readers know, I spent some time this summer traveling with friends and also went up to Michigan to see my dad. This summer was a trying time for me; I can say now that I've walked away from a time in my life in which I was honestly angry at G-d. I have learned, just recently in fact, that He has nothing to do with my falling, but in truth is the only One who has ever been there to pick me back up. And boy did I fall this summer.

The summer always has much to provide to me. There is free time away from school, which gives me money and also more time to 'hang out' and goof around with friends. It also gives me a lot of time to think because some of my closest friends have been traveling away from my own, and I also seem to have little to no responsibility. This lack of debt gives me, in a sense, more freedom to do what I feel like I am called to do (such as travel) but it also gives my flesh more time to do what I know is not the right thing. I spent most of the summer with some friends, but one in particular, who was not the best influence on me. They encouraged me to be a free-thinker, but with that comes much precaution. I was in a sense encouraged not to be a free-thinker, but to abandon everything I once believed and question it all immensely. Not that questioning has ever been wrong, for I believe it is in questioning that G-d shows the Truth, but it was the carelessly abandoning everything I have been through (which is everything He has given me the grace to be brought through). It was in purposely forgetting all that He has done for me that hurt the most.

I was so hurt and relayed this onto the Father, that in turn made me resent and push all that I love away. I do not doubt that it all happened for a reason, in fact, I have see several obvious things that I can take away from this season. I now see no value and no importance in anything but what He has for me. I can say with honest conviction that I am no longer moved by the approval of men or women, but brought to a place of contentment for the life I have been given. This is something so new and fresh to me that I don't know much about dealing with it. I moved away from my community and security in East Nashville, away from the people that helped me get through all my drug addictions and depression. I foresaw that moving would be a really difficult thing for me; that I wouldn't be able to find friends, that I would be without support and that safe reassurance. I no longer care for those things. They are values of this world! not of the Kingdom of G-d. I am not admitting that I don't need community or a holy friendship (these both are so valuable in our walk with Christ), I am only saying that G-d is my only rock in which I stand. He is the only thing I need; the only thing I truly want and love.

There's that for a quick update! I am off to take a lovely nap now; first day of classes in a new school has brought me nothing but exhaustion.

Peace and Love,
-b