In the Moment

Today has been wonderful, and it has been terrible. I have had great thoughts, and a handful that I'm ashamed to admit of. I have felt love overwhelming, but also fear that grips my heart and rings it in a painful twist. My life is filled with these moments. And most of the time, I have no idea how to handle them. I find myself constantly questioning God, and asking why He gives me these things if I can't make the most of it. I guess I just don't see the big picture.

My heart is heavy. It hurts for the people around me. But I also feel a very joyful and fulfilling love. My life seems to be the ultimate mixture of opposites. It's like any good melody or poem. I have hope, and I have doubts. I feel peaceful, and disturbed. I look forward to my future and what is in store, but I also live out of a sense of worthlessness and falsehood.

God is so faithful to me and I know this deep down inside my guts. I can feel His presence all around, filling up this room as I type, seeping out the cracks of the door and flowing down the hallway to the clueless roommate in the bathroom. I know the Truth and I have no emptiness in It. Everything else around me feels so fake and false to me compared to this Love I cling to.

God is so good to me. He has been blessing my life to no end; proving to be a good Friend. And like any good Father, He is also disciplining me. This pain I feel only seems to be fulfilling a deeper calling to be a Holy child, and that is my only fuel. I know the rotten things must go - that they are only serving to slowly kill me from the inside out - but that does not mean I enjoy seeing them part.

Thank the Lord for who He is to us! That we may be called children of Him!
Also, lets be thankful for what we have. We are so blessed to even be alive, healthy, smart, fed, loved, and live in a country that doesn't kill for what we stand for. What good lives we have, and it is the enemy's business to point out everything that is misfortune and uncomfortable in our lives. This unthankfulness I carry is making me sick.
And finally, thanks to those around me who continue to pour out a Love that is pure. Every one of you have changed me; and any good virtue I have acquired can be traced back to you guys.
And as for my heavy heart, I would not be the same without you. These opposites that fill my life also force me into a position in which I can do nothing but stand in my calling. So, I am thankful for these times when I sit here and feel torn.

peace and love always,
-b