changing vs. learning

I have discovered a lot about myself in the past couple of months. For a while, I thought I was changing; I told myself I wouldn't be the same after the next few months came to a close. But, I am realizing now that CHANGE is not the right word.

Learning comes at a high price. When an individual learns they come to a place in their heart in which they are humble, and truthfully admit to knowing nothing about a certain subject. Learning is often painful because a person comes to truths that may be contradictory to everything they believed previously.

As for me and the past few months, I have learned about a couple of things. Most revolving around the character of G-d (which is so soothing and peaceful) and the character of myself (which has been the most difficult thing to realize). I still hold a belief that I know very little about these two subjects. I've got a lifetime to learn. But here are some truths I hold to:

G-d is love. The only true Love that will ever Be. It's impossible to fully grasp this fact because we are human and our minds have been and will always be corrupt.

My love is not love. My love is only run by a selfish, interior motive. It only exists to serve myself, my ego. When I say "i love you" I probably mean, "i love you because you are easy to love, and I get some sort of reward for my 'sacrifice' which is actually no true sacrifice at all."

Another important thing I have learned about myself (and was painfully taught by a friendship) is that I am immensely attached to those I "love." True Love is not interested in what the other person provides for the self, but only serves to continue a neverending Giving cycle. The sun can be thought of as true Love: it continues to Give (sunlight, warmth, the ability to grow plants, etc.) and is neverceasing (essentially, it is. but for the purpose of this example, it isn't). The sun Gives (Loves) no matter what the indiviual gaining from its gifts does. For example, it doesn't matter what the individual's religeous beliefs are, or what sins they did that day. This is the Love G-d has for us. Strange, it seems, because we could never love in that way.

When I love others, the reason is so sickening. But, when I let go of my self and ask G-d to love through me, the results are beautiful.

I can only hope for a continued growth in the only true Love.
More of You, less of me.