want vs. want

i'm starting to realize how much i want.

i want love, trust, loyalty, attention, and reassurance from people.
i want money, a future, and a path from life.
i want hope for my existence. i want to know that belong here.
i also want a new car, new clothes, and a better TV to feed my disgusting material hunger.

but really, all i long for is to want One thing. and One thing only.

i just want You.

peace and love,
-b

wait

they don't love you like i love you.

peace and love,
-b

end

i'm at the end of my string, and i just found out it's the beginning again. this cycle is a sick circle, and i want out! but, i thought i already told You that. someone I knew once told me You got people out of those circles. i somehow believed that just by calling on Your name, i would be lifted into some sort of ever-ascending plain, in which there was no beginning or end. but, i've discovered my end, and it's right back where i started. maybe it's where i belong.

i keep pulling teeth and loving as hard as i can, but it always seem to get messed up in the process. i just want to be right; to love right. i want to know the right people, and get the right job. i want to date the right guy, and feel the right love. i want to praise the right God. i want to be passionate about the right things. i want everyone to know the right me. however, these words just keep coming out and i just keep writing them down, but they don't ever show the true me.

i'm so sick of myself.

-b

peace

I don't have that much to say. Only that peace has come, and that it feels better than ever.

I long for something so much greater than myself, something I've felt for a long time I didn't deserve. It's now obtainable. And something in me is longing for it. I feel now as though nothing is going to stop me from reaching it. Some part of me wants to drop everything: to leave school, to travel to foreign countries, to be on my own, but then I realize that God has me here for something; something much greater and bigger is in the future. And now I am willing to wait for that. I feel like I am watching my life in slow motion, all my friends and characters in a greater scheme. It's like the part in a great action movie where something HUGE is going to happen, but at the present time, everything feels so slow. But it's so wonderful! I feel so at peace about it all.

I've had my eyes opened. I've felt the love of Christ for myself, and everyone around me. It makes me want to love so much deeper.

I'm really excited about what is to come. God is so faithful and I'm ready to see His plan play out in my life.

peace and love,
-b

amazing grace

He has left me speechless,
overwhelmed.

I am loved. And faithfully taken care of.

And I was so blind to it. I was so unfaithful and untrusting.
But God is so beautiful.

He is my father. My papa. He is holding me so tightly in His arms right now, I am being completely covered in love. It's dripping off my skin and filling up this dark room. It's filled so much by his Spirit, it is flowing out of the cracks in the door.

My Creator, my Lover, my Savior, my Friend, my God,

is so GOOD!

my prayer

Lord make me an Instrument of Your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
Divine Master, grant that I may not seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

peace and love,
-b