blessed backwardness!

Ideas become thoughts.
Thoughts become frequencies.
My frequency effects the way I see the world, and - inevitably - the way the world sees me.
If I am to permanantly alter this world by showing the Love of Christ, then maybe I should start thinking this way.
Sometimes I think the world would not be able to handle such a Love that G-d has for us.
But such a Joy cannot be missed!
It is the difference between Life and Death!
Could I ever force myself to think of something else?

changing vs. learning

I have discovered a lot about myself in the past couple of months. For a while, I thought I was changing; I told myself I wouldn't be the same after the next few months came to a close. But, I am realizing now that CHANGE is not the right word.

Learning comes at a high price. When an individual learns they come to a place in their heart in which they are humble, and truthfully admit to knowing nothing about a certain subject. Learning is often painful because a person comes to truths that may be contradictory to everything they believed previously.

As for me and the past few months, I have learned about a couple of things. Most revolving around the character of G-d (which is so soothing and peaceful) and the character of myself (which has been the most difficult thing to realize). I still hold a belief that I know very little about these two subjects. I've got a lifetime to learn. But here are some truths I hold to:

G-d is love. The only true Love that will ever Be. It's impossible to fully grasp this fact because we are human and our minds have been and will always be corrupt.

My love is not love. My love is only run by a selfish, interior motive. It only exists to serve myself, my ego. When I say "i love you" I probably mean, "i love you because you are easy to love, and I get some sort of reward for my 'sacrifice' which is actually no true sacrifice at all."

Another important thing I have learned about myself (and was painfully taught by a friendship) is that I am immensely attached to those I "love." True Love is not interested in what the other person provides for the self, but only serves to continue a neverending Giving cycle. The sun can be thought of as true Love: it continues to Give (sunlight, warmth, the ability to grow plants, etc.) and is neverceasing (essentially, it is. but for the purpose of this example, it isn't). The sun Gives (Loves) no matter what the indiviual gaining from its gifts does. For example, it doesn't matter what the individual's religeous beliefs are, or what sins they did that day. This is the Love G-d has for us. Strange, it seems, because we could never love in that way.

When I love others, the reason is so sickening. But, when I let go of my self and ask G-d to love through me, the results are beautiful.

I can only hope for a continued growth in the only true Love.
More of You, less of me.

spinning

when everything around me gets so complicated,
and nothing stops to take a breath of the warm summer air,
and the earth continues spinning on its predestined path,
i stand.
when you say you love me,
and hold me closer than i've ever been held before,
but look at her with eyes of true love and desire,
i stand.
when i fight hard to do right,
and when i give up,
i stand.

i stand in the love of Christ now.
that's all i know to do.

In the Moment

Today has been wonderful, and it has been terrible. I have had great thoughts, and a handful that I'm ashamed to admit of. I have felt love overwhelming, but also fear that grips my heart and rings it in a painful twist. My life is filled with these moments. And most of the time, I have no idea how to handle them. I find myself constantly questioning God, and asking why He gives me these things if I can't make the most of it. I guess I just don't see the big picture.

My heart is heavy. It hurts for the people around me. But I also feel a very joyful and fulfilling love. My life seems to be the ultimate mixture of opposites. It's like any good melody or poem. I have hope, and I have doubts. I feel peaceful, and disturbed. I look forward to my future and what is in store, but I also live out of a sense of worthlessness and falsehood.

God is so faithful to me and I know this deep down inside my guts. I can feel His presence all around, filling up this room as I type, seeping out the cracks of the door and flowing down the hallway to the clueless roommate in the bathroom. I know the Truth and I have no emptiness in It. Everything else around me feels so fake and false to me compared to this Love I cling to.

God is so good to me. He has been blessing my life to no end; proving to be a good Friend. And like any good Father, He is also disciplining me. This pain I feel only seems to be fulfilling a deeper calling to be a Holy child, and that is my only fuel. I know the rotten things must go - that they are only serving to slowly kill me from the inside out - but that does not mean I enjoy seeing them part.

Thank the Lord for who He is to us! That we may be called children of Him!
Also, lets be thankful for what we have. We are so blessed to even be alive, healthy, smart, fed, loved, and live in a country that doesn't kill for what we stand for. What good lives we have, and it is the enemy's business to point out everything that is misfortune and uncomfortable in our lives. This unthankfulness I carry is making me sick.
And finally, thanks to those around me who continue to pour out a Love that is pure. Every one of you have changed me; and any good virtue I have acquired can be traced back to you guys.
And as for my heavy heart, I would not be the same without you. These opposites that fill my life also force me into a position in which I can do nothing but stand in my calling. So, I am thankful for these times when I sit here and feel torn.

peace and love always,
-b

seasons

All I want is to be honest,
just like the seasons.
When the freezing rains come,
I want to sing praises through my tears.
And when Spring finally arrives,
I want to feel that compassion,
the kind that holds no words;
I can feel it when I wake.
it's overwhelming.

I know you've felt it to, I can see it in your eyes.

Please join me.
-b

God is good.

all the time. I am learning this more and more each new day. Frustrations have come and gone, and God proves Himself to be faithful and more good than I thought previously. It is seriously blowing my mind.

Today and yesterday have been so beautiful. I love Spring. Something deep and spiritual happens to me every Spring. And I forget how good it is because the Winter cold is always hard on me. But alas, the morning sun always seems to come even after the darkest and coldest, loneliest nights.

I really love my life and everyone in it. I am continually reminded how blessed I am by the family and friends I have been given. My roommates (Sarah, Steph, Hannah, Julia, Jeff) are more amazing than words. Life is just so great right now, even through the sucky days.

God is just so good. Give thanks!

love and peace,
-b

community

so-
Life is good.
God has called us to community.
It is wonderful.
I am learning more now, than ever.
I am blessed.


God is good.

(sorry for the short update. life is also very crazy!)
peace and love,
-b