As of Now

Wow. Much has changed in my life since I last posted. As most of you readers know, I spent some time this summer traveling with friends and also went up to Michigan to see my dad. This summer was a trying time for me; I can say now that I've walked away from a time in my life in which I was honestly angry at G-d. I have learned, just recently in fact, that He has nothing to do with my falling, but in truth is the only One who has ever been there to pick me back up. And boy did I fall this summer.

The summer always has much to provide to me. There is free time away from school, which gives me money and also more time to 'hang out' and goof around with friends. It also gives me a lot of time to think because some of my closest friends have been traveling away from my own, and I also seem to have little to no responsibility. This lack of debt gives me, in a sense, more freedom to do what I feel like I am called to do (such as travel) but it also gives my flesh more time to do what I know is not the right thing. I spent most of the summer with some friends, but one in particular, who was not the best influence on me. They encouraged me to be a free-thinker, but with that comes much precaution. I was in a sense encouraged not to be a free-thinker, but to abandon everything I once believed and question it all immensely. Not that questioning has ever been wrong, for I believe it is in questioning that G-d shows the Truth, but it was the carelessly abandoning everything I have been through (which is everything He has given me the grace to be brought through). It was in purposely forgetting all that He has done for me that hurt the most.

I was so hurt and relayed this onto the Father, that in turn made me resent and push all that I love away. I do not doubt that it all happened for a reason, in fact, I have see several obvious things that I can take away from this season. I now see no value and no importance in anything but what He has for me. I can say with honest conviction that I am no longer moved by the approval of men or women, but brought to a place of contentment for the life I have been given. This is something so new and fresh to me that I don't know much about dealing with it. I moved away from my community and security in East Nashville, away from the people that helped me get through all my drug addictions and depression. I foresaw that moving would be a really difficult thing for me; that I wouldn't be able to find friends, that I would be without support and that safe reassurance. I no longer care for those things. They are values of this world! not of the Kingdom of G-d. I am not admitting that I don't need community or a holy friendship (these both are so valuable in our walk with Christ), I am only saying that G-d is my only rock in which I stand. He is the only thing I need; the only thing I truly want and love.

There's that for a quick update! I am off to take a lovely nap now; first day of classes in a new school has brought me nothing but exhaustion.

Peace and Love,
-b

Selfish

What selfish thought to feel entitled to be appreciated! Who am I? Nothing more but an extension of you yourself! And who are you? Someone I thought I loved! Yes, it is true that I 'love' you, but what does that mean? 'love' is just a word that we mere humans have placed on a feeling, but this word could never express the feelings attached. Truth is- these words mean NOTHING- only a pitiful excuse to try and cover up my inability to truly love you. The love I have for you is so sick and conditional. I only love you because you are easy to love. You fulfill my desire to belong and not be alone. The love I have for you seems like a selfish ambition compared to the True Love that is within me - the Love that I seem to contain only by the Grace of G-d. You have felt this Love as well- but also have difficulty expressing it. The True Love is so different than what we are used to - so backwards. It means Loving a stranger on the street with the same intensity as a lover in the bed. So unconditional and beautiful is the Father's Love for us! And that we may contain this Love! We may never be able to harness and do Good. But thank the Lord for this Hope!

I am at a loss for words..

blessed backwardness!

Ideas become thoughts.
Thoughts become frequencies.
My frequency effects the way I see the world, and - inevitably - the way the world sees me.
If I am to permanantly alter this world by showing the Love of Christ, then maybe I should start thinking this way.
Sometimes I think the world would not be able to handle such a Love that G-d has for us.
But such a Joy cannot be missed!
It is the difference between Life and Death!
Could I ever force myself to think of something else?

changing vs. learning

I have discovered a lot about myself in the past couple of months. For a while, I thought I was changing; I told myself I wouldn't be the same after the next few months came to a close. But, I am realizing now that CHANGE is not the right word.

Learning comes at a high price. When an individual learns they come to a place in their heart in which they are humble, and truthfully admit to knowing nothing about a certain subject. Learning is often painful because a person comes to truths that may be contradictory to everything they believed previously.

As for me and the past few months, I have learned about a couple of things. Most revolving around the character of G-d (which is so soothing and peaceful) and the character of myself (which has been the most difficult thing to realize). I still hold a belief that I know very little about these two subjects. I've got a lifetime to learn. But here are some truths I hold to:

G-d is love. The only true Love that will ever Be. It's impossible to fully grasp this fact because we are human and our minds have been and will always be corrupt.

My love is not love. My love is only run by a selfish, interior motive. It only exists to serve myself, my ego. When I say "i love you" I probably mean, "i love you because you are easy to love, and I get some sort of reward for my 'sacrifice' which is actually no true sacrifice at all."

Another important thing I have learned about myself (and was painfully taught by a friendship) is that I am immensely attached to those I "love." True Love is not interested in what the other person provides for the self, but only serves to continue a neverending Giving cycle. The sun can be thought of as true Love: it continues to Give (sunlight, warmth, the ability to grow plants, etc.) and is neverceasing (essentially, it is. but for the purpose of this example, it isn't). The sun Gives (Loves) no matter what the indiviual gaining from its gifts does. For example, it doesn't matter what the individual's religeous beliefs are, or what sins they did that day. This is the Love G-d has for us. Strange, it seems, because we could never love in that way.

When I love others, the reason is so sickening. But, when I let go of my self and ask G-d to love through me, the results are beautiful.

I can only hope for a continued growth in the only true Love.
More of You, less of me.

spinning

when everything around me gets so complicated,
and nothing stops to take a breath of the warm summer air,
and the earth continues spinning on its predestined path,
i stand.
when you say you love me,
and hold me closer than i've ever been held before,
but look at her with eyes of true love and desire,
i stand.
when i fight hard to do right,
and when i give up,
i stand.

i stand in the love of Christ now.
that's all i know to do.

In the Moment

Today has been wonderful, and it has been terrible. I have had great thoughts, and a handful that I'm ashamed to admit of. I have felt love overwhelming, but also fear that grips my heart and rings it in a painful twist. My life is filled with these moments. And most of the time, I have no idea how to handle them. I find myself constantly questioning God, and asking why He gives me these things if I can't make the most of it. I guess I just don't see the big picture.

My heart is heavy. It hurts for the people around me. But I also feel a very joyful and fulfilling love. My life seems to be the ultimate mixture of opposites. It's like any good melody or poem. I have hope, and I have doubts. I feel peaceful, and disturbed. I look forward to my future and what is in store, but I also live out of a sense of worthlessness and falsehood.

God is so faithful to me and I know this deep down inside my guts. I can feel His presence all around, filling up this room as I type, seeping out the cracks of the door and flowing down the hallway to the clueless roommate in the bathroom. I know the Truth and I have no emptiness in It. Everything else around me feels so fake and false to me compared to this Love I cling to.

God is so good to me. He has been blessing my life to no end; proving to be a good Friend. And like any good Father, He is also disciplining me. This pain I feel only seems to be fulfilling a deeper calling to be a Holy child, and that is my only fuel. I know the rotten things must go - that they are only serving to slowly kill me from the inside out - but that does not mean I enjoy seeing them part.

Thank the Lord for who He is to us! That we may be called children of Him!
Also, lets be thankful for what we have. We are so blessed to even be alive, healthy, smart, fed, loved, and live in a country that doesn't kill for what we stand for. What good lives we have, and it is the enemy's business to point out everything that is misfortune and uncomfortable in our lives. This unthankfulness I carry is making me sick.
And finally, thanks to those around me who continue to pour out a Love that is pure. Every one of you have changed me; and any good virtue I have acquired can be traced back to you guys.
And as for my heavy heart, I would not be the same without you. These opposites that fill my life also force me into a position in which I can do nothing but stand in my calling. So, I am thankful for these times when I sit here and feel torn.

peace and love always,
-b

seasons

All I want is to be honest,
just like the seasons.
When the freezing rains come,
I want to sing praises through my tears.
And when Spring finally arrives,
I want to feel that compassion,
the kind that holds no words;
I can feel it when I wake.
it's overwhelming.

I know you've felt it to, I can see it in your eyes.

Please join me.
-b