God's unfailing love

Psalm 143:8
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You.


(the drive from Raleigh to Nashville)

The Lord is teaching me how to trust Him. And it's the most painful but stretching thing I've ever felt. It's SO good. I've been reading a lot of Thomas Merton, specifically his book, No Man Is An Island. It's strange how the Father works in our lives. Interestingly enough, as I wade through this book, each chapter I am on COMPLETELY applies to my life and my walk with the Lord. As I came onto this weekend, I got to the Word of the Cross chapter, aka Suffering. I have been longing for some time now to deepen my love for Christ and to feel His presence in my everyday walk as He is. I began reading on suffering and came to this:
"To believe in suffering is pride: but to suffer, believing in God, is humility. For pride may tell us that we are strong enough to suffer, that suffering is for for us because we are good. Humility tells us that suffering is an evil which we must always expect to find in our lives because of the evil that is within ourselves. But faith also knows that the mercy of God is given to those who seek Him in suffering, and that by His grace we can overcome evil with good. Suffering, then, becomes good by accident, by the good that enables us to receive more abundantly from the mercy of God. It does not make us good by itself, but it enables us to make ourselves better than we are. Thus, what we consecrate to God in suffering is not our suffering but our selves."
HOLY CRAP! I am speechless. I have grown the past 48 hours more than I have in months, all thanks to the grace of God! My own darkness and failures shoved me into suffering, but His mercy has been lavished upon me! He longs for me (and you, and everyone) to learn how to GIVE those meaningless things to Him! He wants us to take refuge in Him! His arms are so safe and loving, and we constantly fail to realize it. How pitiful and dumb we are, but He has called us to be so much more!! Praise be to Him!
I woke up this morning and was once again reminded of Psalm 143:8. I love this verse because it speaks so much into my life right now. I long to be reminded of His unfailing love. It's always been there. But when I am reminded of it, I am reminded of who I am and why I have been made and what I am called to do.
It may sound like I am just rambling on and on. Truth is, my mind is so cluttered from this weekend's events that I've forgotten how to construct a sentence, or at least it feels that way.
A life filled with continual prayer. That's all that I long for at the moment. I have God, the only thing I need, and just an open communication with Him is what I truly desire for myself, and for you as well.
Grace and Peace,
-b

A year, and then some

Well, I just realized it's been just past a year since I created this blog, so I went back and read my old posts.
SO INTERESTING! how God brings us through things, some sucky things, and all of it is for a purpose.
A purpose that is more beautiful and lovely than we could ever expect.
It all seems so peaceful to me now. Like, for once in my life, I am able to accept that bad things may happen to me, but I am also more than joyful for them. You can't enjoy the sweet without the sour.

Anyways, update:
I am in love with the most amazing man of God. He's my best friend, and my heart is overflowing with thankfulness and gratitude. God is so faithful to the desires of my heart. I am very blessed.

I will write more, very soon. I will tell of lovely tales of being in love and having love. I am excited of what my life has to offer me, but more importantly, those around me. I want those around me to know, so I will write, k?

As for now, I will slip into sleep. I am praying for dreams with my Savior and my beloved, dreams of what the future holds for us.

peace and love, neverending,
-b

As of Now

Wow. Much has changed in my life since I last posted. As most of you readers know, I spent some time this summer traveling with friends and also went up to Michigan to see my dad. This summer was a trying time for me; I can say now that I've walked away from a time in my life in which I was honestly angry at G-d. I have learned, just recently in fact, that He has nothing to do with my falling, but in truth is the only One who has ever been there to pick me back up. And boy did I fall this summer.

The summer always has much to provide to me. There is free time away from school, which gives me money and also more time to 'hang out' and goof around with friends. It also gives me a lot of time to think because some of my closest friends have been traveling away from my own, and I also seem to have little to no responsibility. This lack of debt gives me, in a sense, more freedom to do what I feel like I am called to do (such as travel) but it also gives my flesh more time to do what I know is not the right thing. I spent most of the summer with some friends, but one in particular, who was not the best influence on me. They encouraged me to be a free-thinker, but with that comes much precaution. I was in a sense encouraged not to be a free-thinker, but to abandon everything I once believed and question it all immensely. Not that questioning has ever been wrong, for I believe it is in questioning that G-d shows the Truth, but it was the carelessly abandoning everything I have been through (which is everything He has given me the grace to be brought through). It was in purposely forgetting all that He has done for me that hurt the most.

I was so hurt and relayed this onto the Father, that in turn made me resent and push all that I love away. I do not doubt that it all happened for a reason, in fact, I have see several obvious things that I can take away from this season. I now see no value and no importance in anything but what He has for me. I can say with honest conviction that I am no longer moved by the approval of men or women, but brought to a place of contentment for the life I have been given. This is something so new and fresh to me that I don't know much about dealing with it. I moved away from my community and security in East Nashville, away from the people that helped me get through all my drug addictions and depression. I foresaw that moving would be a really difficult thing for me; that I wouldn't be able to find friends, that I would be without support and that safe reassurance. I no longer care for those things. They are values of this world! not of the Kingdom of G-d. I am not admitting that I don't need community or a holy friendship (these both are so valuable in our walk with Christ), I am only saying that G-d is my only rock in which I stand. He is the only thing I need; the only thing I truly want and love.

There's that for a quick update! I am off to take a lovely nap now; first day of classes in a new school has brought me nothing but exhaustion.

Peace and Love,
-b

Selfish

What selfish thought to feel entitled to be appreciated! Who am I? Nothing more but an extension of you yourself! And who are you? Someone I thought I loved! Yes, it is true that I 'love' you, but what does that mean? 'love' is just a word that we mere humans have placed on a feeling, but this word could never express the feelings attached. Truth is- these words mean NOTHING- only a pitiful excuse to try and cover up my inability to truly love you. The love I have for you is so sick and conditional. I only love you because you are easy to love. You fulfill my desire to belong and not be alone. The love I have for you seems like a selfish ambition compared to the True Love that is within me - the Love that I seem to contain only by the Grace of G-d. You have felt this Love as well- but also have difficulty expressing it. The True Love is so different than what we are used to - so backwards. It means Loving a stranger on the street with the same intensity as a lover in the bed. So unconditional and beautiful is the Father's Love for us! And that we may contain this Love! We may never be able to harness and do Good. But thank the Lord for this Hope!

I am at a loss for words..

blessed backwardness!

Ideas become thoughts.
Thoughts become frequencies.
My frequency effects the way I see the world, and - inevitably - the way the world sees me.
If I am to permanantly alter this world by showing the Love of Christ, then maybe I should start thinking this way.
Sometimes I think the world would not be able to handle such a Love that G-d has for us.
But such a Joy cannot be missed!
It is the difference between Life and Death!
Could I ever force myself to think of something else?

changing vs. learning

I have discovered a lot about myself in the past couple of months. For a while, I thought I was changing; I told myself I wouldn't be the same after the next few months came to a close. But, I am realizing now that CHANGE is not the right word.

Learning comes at a high price. When an individual learns they come to a place in their heart in which they are humble, and truthfully admit to knowing nothing about a certain subject. Learning is often painful because a person comes to truths that may be contradictory to everything they believed previously.

As for me and the past few months, I have learned about a couple of things. Most revolving around the character of G-d (which is so soothing and peaceful) and the character of myself (which has been the most difficult thing to realize). I still hold a belief that I know very little about these two subjects. I've got a lifetime to learn. But here are some truths I hold to:

G-d is love. The only true Love that will ever Be. It's impossible to fully grasp this fact because we are human and our minds have been and will always be corrupt.

My love is not love. My love is only run by a selfish, interior motive. It only exists to serve myself, my ego. When I say "i love you" I probably mean, "i love you because you are easy to love, and I get some sort of reward for my 'sacrifice' which is actually no true sacrifice at all."

Another important thing I have learned about myself (and was painfully taught by a friendship) is that I am immensely attached to those I "love." True Love is not interested in what the other person provides for the self, but only serves to continue a neverending Giving cycle. The sun can be thought of as true Love: it continues to Give (sunlight, warmth, the ability to grow plants, etc.) and is neverceasing (essentially, it is. but for the purpose of this example, it isn't). The sun Gives (Loves) no matter what the indiviual gaining from its gifts does. For example, it doesn't matter what the individual's religeous beliefs are, or what sins they did that day. This is the Love G-d has for us. Strange, it seems, because we could never love in that way.

When I love others, the reason is so sickening. But, when I let go of my self and ask G-d to love through me, the results are beautiful.

I can only hope for a continued growth in the only true Love.
More of You, less of me.

spinning

when everything around me gets so complicated,
and nothing stops to take a breath of the warm summer air,
and the earth continues spinning on its predestined path,
i stand.
when you say you love me,
and hold me closer than i've ever been held before,
but look at her with eyes of true love and desire,
i stand.
when i fight hard to do right,
and when i give up,
i stand.

i stand in the love of Christ now.
that's all i know to do.