Goodbye, of sorts

I am headed to the world of wordpress to start my new blog with the new me. I'm sure I'll revisit this blog, and fill in the blanks of what I've gained and learned.
Here is the new site- enjoy!
http://1000halfloves.wordpress.com/

the better me

I will be starting a new blog in the next few days, all from a somewhat seemingly passing thought I had this morning that, well, is not passing as quickly as these thoughts normally do. Conversations this past weekend have opened my eyes quite a bit. First of all, boredom pisses the hell outta me. I realized this when noting how agitated I got when a friend complained about boredom. My thoughts are "if you are bored, FIND SOMETHING TO DO!" This could be, but not limited to, developing a worldview, studying the stars, reading a bestseller book, learning how to play piano, deep clean your house, continued.... Secondly, after a conversation with a good friend, I have finally come to peace about the ending of a relationship with Christopher. Realizing mistakes, closing the emotional "black-hole" that once consumed me, and moving on to a better me is all it will take. You learn from mistakes in order to make a better decision the next time. Interestingly enough, he is NOT what I want or need anymore, and this just took a short month to realize, praise the Lord!
These events both moved me into a process of motivation. What I mean is this- I often complain about not having enough motivation to do the things I want to do, to be the person I want to be. Well, I now understand that gaining the momentum is a process. So, here goes: Begin Process.
Easy enough, right? Well, First and foremost, I am creating a new blog (when I get the time in the next few days) that will share this process with friends, family, and serve as a pick-me-up when I need to look back on where I've come. Next step, CREATE GOALS. I failed, for the longest time, to realize how important this step is. I adore the idea of a better me, but what about the better me is different than the me that is now? I need a finish, an end to run to. More importantly, I need to know what is important to me, and what I'd like to accomplish.
Here is the beginning of my list that will be soon posted on the new site. It'll take some developing and prioritizing, but here's the blueprint.

The Better B
1. Focus on school. Know what classes are important to you, but put in the equal effort for those that are not. Make the grades and gain the rewards.
2. Develop the physical body. Move to more running (at least 3 times weekly) and longer distances (I can only run about 1 mile right now) to increase stamina and decrease Asama. Be able to fit into Hannah's bridesmaid dress by the wedding (2 dress sizes by May 2nd) and lose 20 pounds by the summer.
3. Start back on your passion of reading. Find time. I'll be using a couple of lists of "100 best books to read" to compile by own favorite reading list. This will be a special section on the new site.
4. Write everyday. The end. (Can be in private journal, new blog, letters, etc.)
5. Spend more time in the Word. More specifically, set apart a scheduled time to spend in the Word. Maybe it's mornings, maybe it's evenings (I haven't done much thinking on it).
6. Studying more in depth your passion for personality matrices, including Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. Focus this attention to more in depth understanding and memorization.

I can't think of anymore at the moment, and my cold-infected head feels like it's swelling. Nonetheless, let the momentum begin! I will post the new website link real soon.
Peace and love,
-b

it took whiskey to ignore you.

i've had my love; i've has my doubts.
they are all crushing under your words.
is this the way i'm supposed to feel?



i am now focusing my energy to painting you out of every picture i dreamt. make this easier and don't contact me again please.

this is why you're alone.

God's unfailing love

Psalm 143:8
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You.


(the drive from Raleigh to Nashville)

The Lord is teaching me how to trust Him. And it's the most painful but stretching thing I've ever felt. It's SO good. I've been reading a lot of Thomas Merton, specifically his book, No Man Is An Island. It's strange how the Father works in our lives. Interestingly enough, as I wade through this book, each chapter I am on COMPLETELY applies to my life and my walk with the Lord. As I came onto this weekend, I got to the Word of the Cross chapter, aka Suffering. I have been longing for some time now to deepen my love for Christ and to feel His presence in my everyday walk as He is. I began reading on suffering and came to this:
"To believe in suffering is pride: but to suffer, believing in God, is humility. For pride may tell us that we are strong enough to suffer, that suffering is for for us because we are good. Humility tells us that suffering is an evil which we must always expect to find in our lives because of the evil that is within ourselves. But faith also knows that the mercy of God is given to those who seek Him in suffering, and that by His grace we can overcome evil with good. Suffering, then, becomes good by accident, by the good that enables us to receive more abundantly from the mercy of God. It does not make us good by itself, but it enables us to make ourselves better than we are. Thus, what we consecrate to God in suffering is not our suffering but our selves."
HOLY CRAP! I am speechless. I have grown the past 48 hours more than I have in months, all thanks to the grace of God! My own darkness and failures shoved me into suffering, but His mercy has been lavished upon me! He longs for me (and you, and everyone) to learn how to GIVE those meaningless things to Him! He wants us to take refuge in Him! His arms are so safe and loving, and we constantly fail to realize it. How pitiful and dumb we are, but He has called us to be so much more!! Praise be to Him!
I woke up this morning and was once again reminded of Psalm 143:8. I love this verse because it speaks so much into my life right now. I long to be reminded of His unfailing love. It's always been there. But when I am reminded of it, I am reminded of who I am and why I have been made and what I am called to do.
It may sound like I am just rambling on and on. Truth is, my mind is so cluttered from this weekend's events that I've forgotten how to construct a sentence, or at least it feels that way.
A life filled with continual prayer. That's all that I long for at the moment. I have God, the only thing I need, and just an open communication with Him is what I truly desire for myself, and for you as well.
Grace and Peace,
-b

A year, and then some

Well, I just realized it's been just past a year since I created this blog, so I went back and read my old posts.
SO INTERESTING! how God brings us through things, some sucky things, and all of it is for a purpose.
A purpose that is more beautiful and lovely than we could ever expect.
It all seems so peaceful to me now. Like, for once in my life, I am able to accept that bad things may happen to me, but I am also more than joyful for them. You can't enjoy the sweet without the sour.

Anyways, update:
I am in love with the most amazing man of God. He's my best friend, and my heart is overflowing with thankfulness and gratitude. God is so faithful to the desires of my heart. I am very blessed.

I will write more, very soon. I will tell of lovely tales of being in love and having love. I am excited of what my life has to offer me, but more importantly, those around me. I want those around me to know, so I will write, k?

As for now, I will slip into sleep. I am praying for dreams with my Savior and my beloved, dreams of what the future holds for us.

peace and love, neverending,
-b

As of Now

Wow. Much has changed in my life since I last posted. As most of you readers know, I spent some time this summer traveling with friends and also went up to Michigan to see my dad. This summer was a trying time for me; I can say now that I've walked away from a time in my life in which I was honestly angry at G-d. I have learned, just recently in fact, that He has nothing to do with my falling, but in truth is the only One who has ever been there to pick me back up. And boy did I fall this summer.

The summer always has much to provide to me. There is free time away from school, which gives me money and also more time to 'hang out' and goof around with friends. It also gives me a lot of time to think because some of my closest friends have been traveling away from my own, and I also seem to have little to no responsibility. This lack of debt gives me, in a sense, more freedom to do what I feel like I am called to do (such as travel) but it also gives my flesh more time to do what I know is not the right thing. I spent most of the summer with some friends, but one in particular, who was not the best influence on me. They encouraged me to be a free-thinker, but with that comes much precaution. I was in a sense encouraged not to be a free-thinker, but to abandon everything I once believed and question it all immensely. Not that questioning has ever been wrong, for I believe it is in questioning that G-d shows the Truth, but it was the carelessly abandoning everything I have been through (which is everything He has given me the grace to be brought through). It was in purposely forgetting all that He has done for me that hurt the most.

I was so hurt and relayed this onto the Father, that in turn made me resent and push all that I love away. I do not doubt that it all happened for a reason, in fact, I have see several obvious things that I can take away from this season. I now see no value and no importance in anything but what He has for me. I can say with honest conviction that I am no longer moved by the approval of men or women, but brought to a place of contentment for the life I have been given. This is something so new and fresh to me that I don't know much about dealing with it. I moved away from my community and security in East Nashville, away from the people that helped me get through all my drug addictions and depression. I foresaw that moving would be a really difficult thing for me; that I wouldn't be able to find friends, that I would be without support and that safe reassurance. I no longer care for those things. They are values of this world! not of the Kingdom of G-d. I am not admitting that I don't need community or a holy friendship (these both are so valuable in our walk with Christ), I am only saying that G-d is my only rock in which I stand. He is the only thing I need; the only thing I truly want and love.

There's that for a quick update! I am off to take a lovely nap now; first day of classes in a new school has brought me nothing but exhaustion.

Peace and Love,
-b

Selfish

What selfish thought to feel entitled to be appreciated! Who am I? Nothing more but an extension of you yourself! And who are you? Someone I thought I loved! Yes, it is true that I 'love' you, but what does that mean? 'love' is just a word that we mere humans have placed on a feeling, but this word could never express the feelings attached. Truth is- these words mean NOTHING- only a pitiful excuse to try and cover up my inability to truly love you. The love I have for you is so sick and conditional. I only love you because you are easy to love. You fulfill my desire to belong and not be alone. The love I have for you seems like a selfish ambition compared to the True Love that is within me - the Love that I seem to contain only by the Grace of G-d. You have felt this Love as well- but also have difficulty expressing it. The True Love is so different than what we are used to - so backwards. It means Loving a stranger on the street with the same intensity as a lover in the bed. So unconditional and beautiful is the Father's Love for us! And that we may contain this Love! We may never be able to harness and do Good. But thank the Lord for this Hope!

I am at a loss for words..

blessed backwardness!

Ideas become thoughts.
Thoughts become frequencies.
My frequency effects the way I see the world, and - inevitably - the way the world sees me.
If I am to permanantly alter this world by showing the Love of Christ, then maybe I should start thinking this way.
Sometimes I think the world would not be able to handle such a Love that G-d has for us.
But such a Joy cannot be missed!
It is the difference between Life and Death!
Could I ever force myself to think of something else?

changing vs. learning

I have discovered a lot about myself in the past couple of months. For a while, I thought I was changing; I told myself I wouldn't be the same after the next few months came to a close. But, I am realizing now that CHANGE is not the right word.

Learning comes at a high price. When an individual learns they come to a place in their heart in which they are humble, and truthfully admit to knowing nothing about a certain subject. Learning is often painful because a person comes to truths that may be contradictory to everything they believed previously.

As for me and the past few months, I have learned about a couple of things. Most revolving around the character of G-d (which is so soothing and peaceful) and the character of myself (which has been the most difficult thing to realize). I still hold a belief that I know very little about these two subjects. I've got a lifetime to learn. But here are some truths I hold to:

G-d is love. The only true Love that will ever Be. It's impossible to fully grasp this fact because we are human and our minds have been and will always be corrupt.

My love is not love. My love is only run by a selfish, interior motive. It only exists to serve myself, my ego. When I say "i love you" I probably mean, "i love you because you are easy to love, and I get some sort of reward for my 'sacrifice' which is actually no true sacrifice at all."

Another important thing I have learned about myself (and was painfully taught by a friendship) is that I am immensely attached to those I "love." True Love is not interested in what the other person provides for the self, but only serves to continue a neverending Giving cycle. The sun can be thought of as true Love: it continues to Give (sunlight, warmth, the ability to grow plants, etc.) and is neverceasing (essentially, it is. but for the purpose of this example, it isn't). The sun Gives (Loves) no matter what the indiviual gaining from its gifts does. For example, it doesn't matter what the individual's religeous beliefs are, or what sins they did that day. This is the Love G-d has for us. Strange, it seems, because we could never love in that way.

When I love others, the reason is so sickening. But, when I let go of my self and ask G-d to love through me, the results are beautiful.

I can only hope for a continued growth in the only true Love.
More of You, less of me.

spinning

when everything around me gets so complicated,
and nothing stops to take a breath of the warm summer air,
and the earth continues spinning on its predestined path,
i stand.
when you say you love me,
and hold me closer than i've ever been held before,
but look at her with eyes of true love and desire,
i stand.
when i fight hard to do right,
and when i give up,
i stand.

i stand in the love of Christ now.
that's all i know to do.

In the Moment

Today has been wonderful, and it has been terrible. I have had great thoughts, and a handful that I'm ashamed to admit of. I have felt love overwhelming, but also fear that grips my heart and rings it in a painful twist. My life is filled with these moments. And most of the time, I have no idea how to handle them. I find myself constantly questioning God, and asking why He gives me these things if I can't make the most of it. I guess I just don't see the big picture.

My heart is heavy. It hurts for the people around me. But I also feel a very joyful and fulfilling love. My life seems to be the ultimate mixture of opposites. It's like any good melody or poem. I have hope, and I have doubts. I feel peaceful, and disturbed. I look forward to my future and what is in store, but I also live out of a sense of worthlessness and falsehood.

God is so faithful to me and I know this deep down inside my guts. I can feel His presence all around, filling up this room as I type, seeping out the cracks of the door and flowing down the hallway to the clueless roommate in the bathroom. I know the Truth and I have no emptiness in It. Everything else around me feels so fake and false to me compared to this Love I cling to.

God is so good to me. He has been blessing my life to no end; proving to be a good Friend. And like any good Father, He is also disciplining me. This pain I feel only seems to be fulfilling a deeper calling to be a Holy child, and that is my only fuel. I know the rotten things must go - that they are only serving to slowly kill me from the inside out - but that does not mean I enjoy seeing them part.

Thank the Lord for who He is to us! That we may be called children of Him!
Also, lets be thankful for what we have. We are so blessed to even be alive, healthy, smart, fed, loved, and live in a country that doesn't kill for what we stand for. What good lives we have, and it is the enemy's business to point out everything that is misfortune and uncomfortable in our lives. This unthankfulness I carry is making me sick.
And finally, thanks to those around me who continue to pour out a Love that is pure. Every one of you have changed me; and any good virtue I have acquired can be traced back to you guys.
And as for my heavy heart, I would not be the same without you. These opposites that fill my life also force me into a position in which I can do nothing but stand in my calling. So, I am thankful for these times when I sit here and feel torn.

peace and love always,
-b

seasons

All I want is to be honest,
just like the seasons.
When the freezing rains come,
I want to sing praises through my tears.
And when Spring finally arrives,
I want to feel that compassion,
the kind that holds no words;
I can feel it when I wake.
it's overwhelming.

I know you've felt it to, I can see it in your eyes.

Please join me.
-b

God is good.

all the time. I am learning this more and more each new day. Frustrations have come and gone, and God proves Himself to be faithful and more good than I thought previously. It is seriously blowing my mind.

Today and yesterday have been so beautiful. I love Spring. Something deep and spiritual happens to me every Spring. And I forget how good it is because the Winter cold is always hard on me. But alas, the morning sun always seems to come even after the darkest and coldest, loneliest nights.

I really love my life and everyone in it. I am continually reminded how blessed I am by the family and friends I have been given. My roommates (Sarah, Steph, Hannah, Julia, Jeff) are more amazing than words. Life is just so great right now, even through the sucky days.

God is just so good. Give thanks!

love and peace,
-b

community

so-
Life is good.
God has called us to community.
It is wonderful.
I am learning more now, than ever.
I am blessed.


God is good.

(sorry for the short update. life is also very crazy!)
peace and love,
-b

growing up pt. 2

i've had my love; i've had my doubts.

but i'm just now realizing,
my life's no longer mine.

p & l,
-b

growing up pt. 1

i am discovering that life is beautiful
if you open your eyes.

never ending peace and love,
-b

want vs. want

i'm starting to realize how much i want.

i want love, trust, loyalty, attention, and reassurance from people.
i want money, a future, and a path from life.
i want hope for my existence. i want to know that belong here.
i also want a new car, new clothes, and a better TV to feed my disgusting material hunger.

but really, all i long for is to want One thing. and One thing only.

i just want You.

peace and love,
-b

wait

they don't love you like i love you.

peace and love,
-b

end

i'm at the end of my string, and i just found out it's the beginning again. this cycle is a sick circle, and i want out! but, i thought i already told You that. someone I knew once told me You got people out of those circles. i somehow believed that just by calling on Your name, i would be lifted into some sort of ever-ascending plain, in which there was no beginning or end. but, i've discovered my end, and it's right back where i started. maybe it's where i belong.

i keep pulling teeth and loving as hard as i can, but it always seem to get messed up in the process. i just want to be right; to love right. i want to know the right people, and get the right job. i want to date the right guy, and feel the right love. i want to praise the right God. i want to be passionate about the right things. i want everyone to know the right me. however, these words just keep coming out and i just keep writing them down, but they don't ever show the true me.

i'm so sick of myself.

-b

peace

I don't have that much to say. Only that peace has come, and that it feels better than ever.

I long for something so much greater than myself, something I've felt for a long time I didn't deserve. It's now obtainable. And something in me is longing for it. I feel now as though nothing is going to stop me from reaching it. Some part of me wants to drop everything: to leave school, to travel to foreign countries, to be on my own, but then I realize that God has me here for something; something much greater and bigger is in the future. And now I am willing to wait for that. I feel like I am watching my life in slow motion, all my friends and characters in a greater scheme. It's like the part in a great action movie where something HUGE is going to happen, but at the present time, everything feels so slow. But it's so wonderful! I feel so at peace about it all.

I've had my eyes opened. I've felt the love of Christ for myself, and everyone around me. It makes me want to love so much deeper.

I'm really excited about what is to come. God is so faithful and I'm ready to see His plan play out in my life.

peace and love,
-b